depression

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God restores
He Restores What We Lost (Kristie’s Story)

I remember that night so clearly. I was sitting on my bed, crying, my mind running a million miles per hour. I felt defeated; I didn’t want to live anymore.

After years of suffering from an eating disorder, self harm addiction and depression, I was done. I believed that nobody cared about me, or would even notice if I was gone. I was angry at God and believed He had just abandoned me.

The hate I had for myself was huge. Looking back, I think that the intense self hatred was the reason I didn’t want to live anymore. Believing that nobody cared played a part, but ultimately I just hated myself, I was disgusted with myself and didn’t want to be me anymore.

I planned to overdose that night. But before my thoughts could be put into action, something amazing happened. God showed up. He showed me a picture of a funeral, my funeral. People were weeping, Jesus was weeping. The pain in that place was overwhelming. Then He walked me over to a photo hanging on the wall. It was a photo of me. People walked by and stopped to look at my photo, but over time people stopped by less and less. What Jesus said to me is still so clear, it’s as if He just said it to me 5 minutes ago.

He said, “Are you seriously willing to be just a picture on a wall? A memory?” He began to remind me that He has a plan for my life, that it was not meant to end that night, He wasn’t finished with me yet.

God restoresIn that moment chains were broken off my life. I wanted to live. I wanted Him more than everything, I needed Him more than anything.

No matter where you are at in your life right now, whether you are at the top of your game and everything is great, or if you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and, like I did, wanted to call it quits, I want you to know that God is not done with you yet. The reason that you still have breath in your lungs is proof that He is not done with you.

As long as there is breath in your lungs, you have a purpose.

When we surrender our lives to Jesus and trust Him despite what our life currently looks like, it changes the whole game.

He takes our depression and gives us joy.
He takes our anxiety and gives us peace.
He takes our broken pieces and makes us whole.
He restores what we lost.
He is good. Always.

Precious one, you are deeply loved by the King who died to know you.

Slow Processes

I grew up with Christian parents and we always went to church twice a week. I have no memory of the day I chose to put my faith in Christ. That used to bother me a lot. However, Christ has given me peace that it does not matter if I remember the exact moment I chose to trust Him and received the gift of salvation. What matters is that I am certain of my faith now and that I intentionally remember His works in my life to testify to His glory.

I think as Christians we tend to put too much emphasis on that ‘salvation moment.’ Don’t get me wrong, I think that believers who had a 180 degree turn, almost like Paul’s road to Damascus moment, should proudly testify of that moment God turned their lives around. But for those of us who don’t have such a drastic change, we sometimes think there is something wrong with us. We get so hung up on not having such a cool testimony that we forget the things God has given us to testify about.

All that to say, my testimony is not so much about the moment I came to Christ, but of the ways He has worked in my life.

I believe God works in my life in slow processes (sometimes excruciatingly slow). So I have compiled a short list of just some of the ways God has worked in my life.

  1. My family. I’m an only child, so my family consisted of my parents and me. How much struggle could a family of three go through? Quite a bit. I had a lot of resentment toward my mom and my dad because of the struggles we went through. I wish I could go into more detail about the struggles my family has endured, but I feel like it is not my story to publish. But I can say that despite the mistakes that were made, God has worked incredible reconciliation in irreconcilable situations.

    My family struggles caused me to draw nearer to God. He convicted me of my role in my family. Although I could not heal the hurts in my family, I could love them the same way God loves me. He convicted me to love and respect my parents and to daily pray for them. I did not exactly follow these convictions as much as I should have. In fact, I failed at them a lot more than I succeeded. But I came to know Christ more in the midst my family’s struggles and heartaches.

  2. There was a point in my faith walk that I fell into sexual sin. My life was quickly wrecked. I was abandoned by my best friends and my church. That sin left me in the deepest pit of loneliness. For over a year, I struggled with the worst depression I had ever endured. For a while, I felt abandoned by God because of my sin.

    clean heart

    But the Lord proved so faithful to me and reminded me that even in my sin, He sent Jesus to die for me. He rescued me out of the habit of that sin and provided me with healing from it. I clung to the words of Psalm 51, David’s cry of confession and repentance when he slept with Bathsheba.

    God also reminded me of the other many imperfect people in the Bible He used for great things, including Rahab (a prostitute) and Tamar (who pretended to be a prostitute to sleep with her father-in-law who had formerly wronged her).

  3. When I was about ten or eleven years old, I was not very good at making friends. That loneliness drove me to seek time with the Lord. Although I was lacking in friendships, I realized that I actually had a friendship with my Savior for eternity.

    This may seem like just a childish struggle that I outgrew as I grew in maturity and faith. In fact, many times I thought it was that. But as I’m now in my early twenties, I’m seeing that loneliness is a struggle I have not outgrown. I am still bad at making friends. As I get older, I want to use that loneliness as an excuse to be a home body. Instead of being driven to seeking out my always faithful Friend, I try to make time fly by with TV shows and movies.

    While I am so grateful for God rescuing me from deep family hurts and from sexual sin, my loneliness remains. The thing is, I have no reason to be lonely. I am blessed with great parents whom I very close with, in-laws who are so generous toward us, close girl friends that I can call up at any day for prayer and encouragement, AND my child whose face I get to see for the first time in approximately 26 weeks.

    As greatly blessed as I am, none of it compares to the incredible blessing it will be to see my Savior face to face. I believe that only then will my lonely tendency be wiped away to be replaced with a love that I could never fully understand here on earth.

God continues to work in ways worthy of testimony. My prayer regarding my testimony is that it points people away from me and my life and toward our amazing God: Loving Father, Perfect Savior, and Holy Spirit.