God restores

I remember that night so clearly. I was sitting on my bed, crying, my mind running a million miles per hour. I felt defeated; I didn’t want to live anymore.

After years of suffering from an eating disorder, self harm addiction and depression, I was done. I believed that nobody cared about me, or would even notice if I was gone. I was angry at God and believed He had just abandoned me.

The hate I had for myself was huge. Looking back, I think that the intense self hatred was the reason I didn’t want to live anymore. Believing that nobody cared played a part, but ultimately I just hated myself, I was disgusted with myself and didn’t want to be me anymore.

I planned to overdose that night. But before my thoughts could be put into action, something amazing happened. God showed up. He showed me a picture of a funeral, my funeral. People were weeping, Jesus was weeping. The pain in that place was overwhelming. Then He walked me over to a photo hanging on the wall. It was a photo of me. People walked by and stopped to look at my photo, but over time people stopped by less and less. What Jesus said to me is still so clear, it’s as if He just said it to me 5 minutes ago.

He said, “Are you seriously willing to be just a picture on a wall? A memory?” He began to remind me that He has a plan for my life, that it was not meant to end that night, He wasn’t finished with me yet.

God restoresIn that moment chains were broken off my life. I wanted to live. I wanted Him more than everything, I needed Him more than anything.

No matter where you are at in your life right now, whether you are at the top of your game and everything is great, or if you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and, like I did, wanted to call it quits, I want you to know that God is not done with you yet. The reason that you still have breath in your lungs is proof that He is not done with you.

As long as there is breath in your lungs, you have a purpose.

When we surrender our lives to Jesus and trust Him despite what our life currently looks like, it changes the whole game.

He takes our depression and gives us joy.
He takes our anxiety and gives us peace.
He takes our broken pieces and makes us whole.
He restores what we lost.
He is good. Always.

Precious one, you are deeply loved by the King who died to know you.

I'm Kristie, a 22 year old passionate Kingdom seeker. I live to make His name known. You'll most likely find me in cute cafes, laughing with people over coffee. Lots of coffee. Let's be friends!
  • Kristie, you are a brave sista for sharing your story! Go girl go!! I witnessed close family friends lose their daughter to suicide at sixteen. The fall-out shattered lives. I applaud you for getting your story out. Keep going. Write about it, speak about…share it with everyone and anyone that will listen. The layers of human pain are haunting and complicated, and often times masked and hidden out of shame, confusion, and self doubt. If only everyone could know the powerful rescue of Jesus’ love. You are awesome. I’m so glad you’re here.
    Happy Wednesday!

    • Kristie Hillway

      Thank you for the encouragement girl! Yes, too true! He is so beautiful!
      You are wonderful!

  • Yessenia Amarys Diaz

    Absolutely amazing story